Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
