Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
