i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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