I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
