Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
sex in a hospital.. check
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
