I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
