wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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