If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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