NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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