Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
another moral hangover. fuck.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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