You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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