Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
