You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
