woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
