I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
