I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
