Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
