found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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