I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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