Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
