just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
