Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Randomize
