During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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