no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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