he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
