I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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