Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
