It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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