i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
