Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
