im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
