i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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