What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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