Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
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