i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
