there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
