So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
