just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
