I met the friendliest cop last night
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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