Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
