I don't usually arrange sex via text message
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Someone shattered a urinal.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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