12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
