I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
