i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
