Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
