I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
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