my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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