I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
