eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
