my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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